I've been thinking about a lot about life lately. I should be studying for my boards, but I feel as though such things unfold as they are supposed to and I'm comforted by that thought.

I've been doing some reading from random webpages about the spiritual path, which I am highly interested in. I mean, when you die you don't take anything from this world with you except your experiences and yourself. I think I am going to attempt to be less reactionary in this world, and try to observe the way my ego operates in my everyday life. Everyday I feel like I am moving toward understanding a greater part of myself, yet I also feel that I run into road blocks that make me lose my way, and the things I do and say :).

So is it that desire is one of the main obstacles to spiritual growth? I would agree with that. So many religions toss around words like salvation, enlightenment, liberation, etc. What exactly do those words mean? I think as people, we desire things that exist outside of ourselves. And that, at least in my experience, will inevitably lead to an emotional or spiritual downfall of sorts. I suppose the downfall is in that our freedom is taken away from us when we desire things that exist outside of ourselves as the things that exist outside of ourselves are never permanent or are conditional. We are "attached" to our desires--people, money, status, the perfect body, the perfect life, the perfect boards scores :) etc. Being attached automatically means that you are never free. I believe within each and every one of us there is a boundlessness that is locked up, and rarely ever found. Why? It is because we are fixated on our desires outside of ourselves. A common desire or attachment I see amongst many of my friends is that to a romantic partner or the idea of a romantic partner. And I am certain I am not exempt from this category of people either. Most people go into relationships asking, "What's in it for me?", rather than asking "What can I give to this person?" The problem with this is that both parties are fixated on the act of taking rather than giving, thereby creating a natural void. Inversely, when both parties are self-fulfilled, the parties can focus on giving and no void in the relationship will then be created. And because both parties are giving, both are receiving. The key here is to first be self-fulfilled. Otherwise, you are just filling a void with things outside of yourself, taking rather than giving, which is detrimental to all parties emotionally and spiritually.

Attachment breeds insecurity. We become insecure because we innately fear the loss of the things we are attached to. So desire creates voids in our lives, and attachments create insecurities. What a viscious cycle! How much does it take to realize that everything you need resides within yourself? And what implications does that have on our relationships with other people? Let's say someone you are attached to seems to be paying less attention to you, immediately you start feeling that void that is created by your desire and attachment for that person. So you end up unhappy and perhaps even become upset with that other person for making you insecure. But you know what? It's not the other person's fault. You created the void out of desire, you created that attachment. So in the spectrum of give and take, where does one draw the line if one is a well-adjusted individual who is fine with giving and does not necessarily feel the need to take? I do believe we have certain spiritual responsibilities for one another. If you keep giving to another person to fill a void that they've created, if they become attached to you in the ways I've discussed above, then I believe you could be slowing down that person's spiritual growth. In this instance, something has to be done to make the other person realize how unhealthy the attachment is. I can go on and on about this, but I think I will wrap this up now as it is late. But I suppose I'll end with saying that giving a part of yourself to someone who needs you is not always a good thing. Perhaps it is never a good thing necessarily because needing someone is a form of attachment. The only thing we should really be giving one another are things that will help the individual unlock that internal boundless. So I guess freedom would be the best gift. I think I'll try that...